Have you ever thought about the 12 Days of Christmas song? I mean, really thought about it. As a guy, I have a hard enough time buying one gift, much less 78 things over the course of 12 days. And that’s to say nothing of the sheer impossibility of actually finding some of the 12 Days of Madness gifts.

I can see buying the five golden rings (though that seems like overkill) and maybe finding a way to wrap two turtle doves, three French hens, four calling birds, seven swans a-swimming and eight geese a-laying, but why the hell would someone want that many birds? That’s 24 birds. Seriously, I don’t know if I could even date someone who owned 24 birds, much less consider them my “true love.” And that’s not counting the partridge in a pear tree. On the first day of Christmas, no less. She had to know the next two weeks wouldn’t go well.

Other than enough rings for all four fingers and a thumb and an avian nightmare, the rest of the gifts are people. People! I’m assuming their services are rented, but still. Eight maids a-milking. Do I have to rent eight cows too? Nine ladies dancing. I’m pretty sure she won’t enjoy that. Ten lords a-leaping. She might like that. Eleven pipers piping. Those are bag pipes, by the way. Which are cool for about 60 seconds before they start getting really annoying. And finally, 12 drummers drumming. That’s 50 noisy, dancing, milking people. Makes for some nice holiday conversation, I’ll bet.

“I love you!”

“What?!”

“I LOVE YOU!!”

“You lost a tooth?!”

“NO, I LOV – Forget it!! Is there any left over French hen??!!”

“Yeah, I think it’s behind the milk!!”